S for Salacious

Indigo Ding-a-ling: Okay, so who’s your hero?

Superman: Um… you?

ID: No, but that’s a good guess. No, I’m told that Beneath the Cape will not be published. Ever. I’m told that the publishing house was bought out by a new company called Wayne Publishing, and also that a team of very rabid lawyers have descended upon the manuscript with claims of defamation, libel and slander. Now, last week you talked about your ability to sense lying, well try mine.

S: I… really didn’t know.

ID: Huh. You didn’t. Which actually does kind of make sense, seeing as I can still smell the pepto coming off your breath. Kidding, I can see the bottle sticking out of your bag, see the top isn’t zipped all the way.

But funnily enough, I came across Wayne Publishing’s parent company, Wayne Entertainment, the little we hiding under big WE, Wayne Enterprises', skirt. Their first division was Wayne Film, which you might recall popped up after yourself and, uh, “Big Barda”- God I hope that’s her proper name- made a “video.” It seems under the influence of someone called “Sleez” the two of you did some “acting.”

S: If you don’t stop doing air quotes I’ll take your fingers away.

ID: Heh. Your newfound ability to deadpan notwithstanding, I wasn’t finished. Apparently WE (the little WE) bought up the distribution rights as well as every extant print and proceeded to sit on them. I was speechless for like a day and a half; regardless of whatever influence you might have been under at the time- Spanish Fly, Barry White, maybe some hypnotic whatever- you did SuperPorn. We’re just going to take a moment, for you, myself, and the folks reading at home, to let that set in.

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And we’re back. But here’s the rub: I may have, in my search, discovered elements of the manuscript and/or movie that’s been rather unquietly swept under the table. Journalistic ethics dictate that I divulge this information, at least as far as it’s informative and not just salacious- though, because I am the man I am, that’s not a line I’m very good at sussing out. But I’ll offer a trade. You answer me truthfully about sex as part of today's interview segment, and I forget the things I know. Now I understand that a person’s sex life isn’t just their own, so, you don’t have to identify partners or their proclivities, but I want honesty, here. I’m more interested in the psychological implications than I am in the gooey details.

S: I think you’re lying.

ID: About the gooey details, a little, but I doubt the audience skews as pervy as I do personally.

S: I mean about having details. I think you’re bluffing.

ID: But you’re not sure- you can’t be sure. Because I may not know everything, but I know some things. So you’ll answer my questions. I’ll be gentle- after all, it’s your first time.

S: One caveat: you stop that.

ID: Fair enough. I think your history shows that you can have an imtimate relationship with a woman- so a far more interesting question is, given your physical differences- what’s sex like?

S: Are you asking about whether Kryptonian genitalia is analogous to human, or are you asking more generally?

ID: I can guess from the scornful way you said the first that it's a stupid question, so we'll go with option 2.

S: I can feel the ebb and flow of each oxygen and nitrogen atom across my skin as I cross a room. I can count the number of water molecules tumbling down my throat when I drink. When you see the world, you’re looking through a $30 children’s microscope; I see, feel, touch and experience everything at the magnification of an electron microscope. There’s really no way to express to you what it’s like, how it feels- you have no comparison that even parallels. I was curious once, myself, and J'onn showed me what being human was like telepathically, and the English language, even Kryptonese, fail to convey even in simplistic terms the gulf between our experiences.

ID: Okay. Given that, the fact that you look like a movie star- well, okay, Brandon Routh and Chris Reeves were both soap opera actors before they played you, but still, soap operas have pretty people on them, too- and the fact that you can leap small buildings with a single bound- how is it that you’re not a total whore?

S: I guess… my parents just raised me to believe in physical intimacy in a certain way. Growing up, I never even really imagined the idea of a carnal relationship outside the context of a romantic one. And really, by the time I reached an age and a point in my life where the thought could even really occur to me, I’d had other experiences that had taught me that I prefer romantic and physical monogamy.

ID: I’m going to give you a list. I’m not going to include any of the possibles I’ve come across, but we’ll keep it at the likelies: Lois obviously, Lana likely, Chloe definitely, Lori Lemaris- now that one you’re probably shocked I know about- Barda, Maxima, Cat Grant, Lyla Lerrol. I mean, you’re not a billionaire playboy, but still, respectable- especially since this is just the likelies. Care to deny?

S: No comment.

ID: And that is what we in the printed news industry call a non-denial. It’s like an admission, only more libelous. Still, you can usually print it so long as you mention the caveat. But on the subject of Maxima, why didn’t you ever just agree to give her a super baby?

S: It goes back to what I said about romantic relationships taking precedence over physical ones, because physically, Maxima and I were compatible, but personally- well, I don't even know about compatibility, because she never stopped dry-humping me and stood still long enough for us to have even a single meaningful conversation.

ID: And on the subject of super babies, you knocked up your wife a few years back. There are a lot of questions, really, so I'll let you just tell us how.

S: I'll skip the birds and bees part- that's pretty standard. Then there was, not getting too graphic, some “catch and release.” We talked about a turkey baster or getting help from a fertility clinic

ID: Wait, you intentionally got Lois pregnant?

S: Yeah. Absolutely. We were at a point where Lois wasn't fulfilled anymore as a reporter, and she was happy with our relationship, but she just wanted something else, too. Eventually she realized she wanted to be a mother. So we did a little research, and a little planning- and after just two tries, well- apparently we're both very fertile.

ID: Okay, so if you intended to get your wife pregnant, what happened to the baby?

S: Same thing that happened when you thought the pregnancy was unintended- Lois miscarried.

ID: Oh. And were there complications? Can she not have children now?

S: Nothing like that, no. She just... losing that first one. You know how that old saying goes, that it's better to try and fail than never to have tried at all? Well, for her at least, losing that first child was more horrible than anything she'd ever imagined. She told me it was like losing me, but worse, because she also lost a part of herself, too. And for the longest time she just felt empty inside. And I think she's come a long way since then, but I don't think it's a scar that ever really heals. I mean, maybe, if I'd lived a little longer, maybe we would have tried again sometime down the road.

ID: You're talking about yourself as if you were already dead.

S: Am I? Hmm. I guess in a way, I feel like I am. Lois and I finally had to go shopping. She was bursting into tears every time she saw me, and I finally got it out of her that she could handle watching me die, slowly withering away, but that my clothes, big and baggy like they were, they just reminded her too much of how far gone I already was. She just needed not to have it in front of her right now. And that was when it hit, when I was in a dressing room, trying on pants that wouldn't have fit me even in high school- that's when I realized that I don't think I'm getting out of this one- and I don't think I have that much time left. I'm actually scared by that.

We’ll be trying to bring you a new section of the interview every Tuesday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.

Too Sexy For His S

Indiscreet Dialectic: I want to ask you about a new tell-all book I’ve heard about, called Beneath the Cape. Have you heard about it, have any idea what it’s about?

Superman: Yes.

ID: Okay, fine, if you prefer to play the stoic card, I’ll describe it for our Googling public: it’s about your sex life, techniques, quirks, endowments. Maybe a better question would be: is it true?

S: I suppose it would make sense to quote a former president: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

ID: That’s a passable Arkansas, actually, but as I understand it, the author isn’t claiming that you had sex with her per se, just that she’s privy to information about your, um, escapades. What about that?

S: It’s certainly possible. Look, it’s a strange world. I can fly, and survive being shot with- well, anything I’ve been shot with so far. One of my best friends can read minds and change his shape to anything he can think of this side of an M.C. Escher sketch. Bruce dated a woman who could do real, honest-to-God magic, including making Plastic Man spend a month as a chicken. Which is to say nothing of the various technological methods of spying. So I’m not prepared to categorically deny ever having sex ever- but I can state unequivocally that no one I’ve been intimate with has ever spoken with the author of the book.

ID: I can’t help but note you’re being coy about her name.

S: Oh, I know who she is, but because I think breaking her anonymity could potentially expose her to harm from some, uh, overly enthusiastic supporters, I’m not going to out her, not to you or anyone else.

ID: But is she someone you know, someone from your past?

S: You know, that’s not a terrible question. I’ve known a hell of a lot of reporters and writers in my time, but actually no, she’s not someone I’ve known- there’s no personal angle here, at least not that I’ve uncovered.

ID: So it’s not Chloe Sullivan?

S: Uh, no- I’d, uh, heard that rumor, too, actually. And before I found out who it really was, I talked to Chloe, and no- it isn’t her.

ID: And you believe her?

S: I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this anywhere before, but I can hear extraordinarily well. Like, I can her your pulse increase when you’re worried about lying to me- or just pissing me off. I can hear the chemical reaction of neurons firing in the portion of the brain responsible for creative thought- as opposed to simple memory retrieval. So when Chloe said it wasn’t her, wasn’t anything to do with her, I believed her.

ID: And did the two of you talk about anything else?

S: We caught up a little. I think she’s doing better. Feeling happier. And I’m thankful for that. Being a part of my life hasn’t always been pleasant for Chloe, and I know more than anyone the price she’s sometimes paid for our association, but despite a lot of things, I still consider her one of my oldest friends.

ID: Isn’t the expression usually oldest and dearest?

S: I’d prefer not to air this here, but Chloe and I have had tension, and those who know know what I mean, and those who don’t have no reason or right to. I’ve forgiven her for the things she’s done against me, and I hope she’s forgiven me for the times I caused her pain. Our past has left some… trust issues, but I really, truly and honestly, wish her all the happiness in the world.

ID: You do realize that all of this spirited whispering about your checkered dalliances just means next week I’ll come back with harder questions, right?

S: Actually, no, I don’t think it will. There are a handful of people who know about this. My mother, myself, Chloe, Lois

ID: So you and your usual knitting circle

S: and none of them are going to say a word to you about it. Because it’s private. Because, really, it’s between Chloe and me- emotional spillover onto mom and my wife notwithstanding.

ID: Okay, this is beginning to bore me- due to the very g-rated content- the book. How much of it is true, and, more importantly, how long before lifetime (or maybe Playgirl) come out with their own direct to video version?

S: Try as I might, I haven’t been able to get an advanced copy, or even anything as to the specifics of what’s in it. I’m honestly a little disappointed that, at this stage in my life and career, I’m having to deal with it.

ID: That’s fair. But you said you were confident no one you’d been intimate with had spoken to the author. Now I remember you discussing a premarital relationship- that I previously theorized was with Lana Lang but could potentially have been with the aforementioned Ms. Sullivan- so not just the one with your wife that you’ve sort of tacitly acknowledged, but is there any chance you’d be willing to slip me the names, even off the record, so I could do some independent verification.

S: Sometimes you’re no better than a tabloid journalist. To clarify, I don’t mean the near respectability of British tabloid journalism, I mean the scummiest, “Did Anna Nicole Smith gain more weight?” kind of journalism, where they have fuzzy zoomed in pictures with big colorful circles pointing out cellulite.

ID: Hmm. Lot of misdirected anger, there (though my inner child is weeping openly). Did the bad paparazzi man touch you in your spandex-place?

S: Mostly, I think it’s that as a journalist, that kind of reportage disgusts me, and as someone who was raised to treat people with a certain base amount of respect- professional ethics shouldn’t even come into play, because it’s just morally wrong. But you’re right. This book is the culmination, actually, of something that’s been happening more lately- though I’ve been in my share of National Enquirers before. I was prepared for people reacting differently to me, I knew that revealing who I was and that I was dying, that that would affect people in a real way. But I wasn’t prepared for this, for the opportunists with cameras hiding in the bushes outside our apartment, the office, my doctor’s. I’m just trying to hold onto my dignity, at this point. And it’s hard, when there are people that insistent on wresting it away from you.

We’ll be trying to bring you a new section of the interview every Tuesday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.