ID: I want to talk to you about Wonder Woman. I know this is something the pair of you have been pretty vague about in the past, but Diana- did it ever happen?
Superman: I’ve always had a lot of respect for Diana. I don’t know if there’s anyone else, besides my parents, that I respect more. Actually, strike that. The first time I met Diana… respect came later. I mean, she was really, really gorgeous. So respect came after I’d got through ogling her- which, you know, when you’ve got supersenses can take a while, the moment she stopped talking to Batman and I started listening to her, yeah, immediate respect. But that first time I met her, there was a moment I thought we’d end up being together, you know, start out working together, then get close, and eventually that partnership turns into a really strong relationship. I mean, we even wore the same colors, for God’s sake, so either she was my biggest fan, or we both just clicked on a fundamental level.
I think when I heard her speak I stopped thinking that way; I mean, I considered my mom a pretty strong feminist, and very independent and intelligent, while still being sort of traditional, but Diana was independent in an entirely different class. I mean, I like my women to be strong-willed, but Diana was- well, it would have been like dating Bruce if Bruce looked really good in a- what would you call that outfit of hers? It’d probably count as a bathing suit if she was swimming in it, but I guess, a fighting suit? I don’t know. God, that must come off as sexist.
ID: I don’t think so. I think it’s just culture shock. You’ve said before you were raised in a very rural, traditional kind of home, with very traditional values and gender roles. By contrast, Wonder Woman comes from a society entirely devoid of a second gender, let alone gender roles.
S: Yeah. And at the time I thought she might be a lesbian- not that I really knew exactly what that might mean, or that I actually knew a few lesbians who were nothing like her. But it was a different time, then, and I was a much more naïve man.
But there’s a part of me that’s always felt bad for Diana. I think she really wants to find something in this world, and most of the time she’s ended up with just incredibly horrible men- I mean, men who wouldn’t be good enough for her even if she wasn’t Wonder Woman- so I don’t know. I mean, one of her most stable relationships was with Bruce. The problem with Bruce’s relationships is always the same- he really wants love, and affection, and to belong- but at the same time, he really won’t let himself have those things. It’s why so many of his relationships end up shallow, and meaningless. A lot of it is self-flagellation, for failing to save his parents, for failing to save a lot of other people’s parents. Bruce finds a way to blame himself for every single tragedy in the world; it makes him the best there is at what he does, but it’s also the loneliest way to live I could imagine. But Diana… Diana was different, because she forced him to be different. Most any woman he can trick, or bully, or ignore, into getting what he wants out of a relationship, but she had his number. There wasn’t ever a time when she couldn’t push him into a place where they could both enjoy one another. I think it just fell apart at some point, and they’re both private enough I don’t really know why. If I had to guess, she might have just gotten tired of pushing; it could be one of the cyclical tragedies that seem to always follow Bruce interrupted them. I don’t really know. Maybe they’ll get back together some day. I don’t know. But they’re still really excellent friends, and I guess that’s far more important.
ID: I’m still choking a bit on the part about you thinking Wonder Woman was a lesbian.
S: Well, lesbian wasn’t a word I heard until high school, and I didn’t really understand what it meant until years later. I’ve known some really great women who happened to be gay, some in spandex and some not. Growing up in a small town, I'm sure I knew some lesbians- but I never would have known it, because they had to keep it a secret. It was just a much different time than today.
ID: You've only sort of answered my question. How do you feel about Diana?
S: I’m sure you’re going to get me into trouble with Lois, but I love Diana. There’ve been a lot of times where I’ve sat at home, listening to the radio, or watching her on the television, wiped from a day of saving people and reporting, being a husband and being a man, and there’s Diana, and she’s been working just as hard for just as long as me, but she’s standing up and speaking- eloquently- about whatever it is that needs speaking up about. And she's probably got an evening at a fund raiser planned after the speech.
She’s constantly in the public eye, whether it’s working as an ambassador, her work with the United Nations or the literally hundreds of charities and foundations she’s helped, she’s always out there. And it isn’t because she likes the limelight, or the publicity or the scrutiny, because as someone who has known her personally for years now, I can say, that’s not Diana. She’s out there because it’s where she needs to be. To say that she’s a wonderful woman is an understatement.
ID: Okay, and this question is maybe a little handing a man in a hole a shovel, but after saying all that, why do you think you ended up with Lois and never pursued Diana?
S: Diana is wonderful- at a minimum. And Diana is wonderful at and in almost everything. But for me- she’s just no Lois Lane.
ID: That is either the portrait of a man still very deeply in love with his wife, or very staunchly covering his ass.
S: Can’t it be both? (laughter) But seriously… Lois is exactly who I need, who I’ve always wanted. I’m trying to put it into a combination of words that isn’t stolen from Jerry Maguire.
In my, we’ll call it a costumed persona, I wear my heart and my ideals on my sleeve, while pushing my frustrations, and my faults down and away. Lois does the opposite. She puts her scars and her issues at the surface; sometimes she’s hiding away her very tender heart, and sometimes she’s simply out there to say, “this is who I am; these are my holes, my imperfections, and my flaws. Treasure me if you can, I have no time for you if you can’t.” She can be raw, and abrasive, even mean, at times, but it’s never because she’s anything but the sweetest woman in the world underneath. And all of these things, it might sound like I’m trying to connect her and myself to the seedier side of humanity, and in a way I guess that’s what I’m saying
ID: (shoveling sounds)
S: yes, all while digging deeper, is that she’s my anchor. It’s so easy to get lost, in your own nonsense or the world’s, and she keeps me grounded, keeps me sane, keeps me loving, and caring, and wanting to be the man she thinks I am- which, as much as every kid and parent in America idolizes and idealizes me, Lois has me on another realm of pedestals. But she doesn’t fault me for not being that ideal, she loves me for being the best man I can.
As much as I respect Diana, and cherish her example, she could never be that person for me- and Lois is.
We’ll be trying to bring you a new section of the interview every Monday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Death
ID: I want to talk about death. As someone who has “died,” what can you tell us about it?
Superman: You know, that’s an interesting question. I guess, to be honest, I was a little busy to notice. I mean, I remember dying. But death, like the afterlife- I was preoccupied. The stress of everything that came with dying, everything that preceded it, and the aftermath I knew I was leaving behind, I never really took stock in being dead, surveyed the area to notice if I was in an Elysian Field or if there were chubby winged babies. I guess, too, I was in constant transition; I didn't get a moment to rest on my laurels- even in death there seemed to be a lot of demands on my time.
ID: Okay. Then let’s start with dying. What do you remember?
S: Doomsday. The thing about dying, is you always picture it as quiet, a last goodbye to friends and loved ones, maybe a kiss, closing your eyes, and letting go of that last heavy breath before you drift peacefully away.
Instead, my last moment was Doomsday. The hot, hateful stench of his breath, his sweat, all of the things he’d trampled on and through. The taste of my blood in my mouth, and pain, scorching pain everywhere. Being as durable as I am, I can survive a lot of punishment, but as it turns out, that means anything strong enough to kill me really hurts. And the sight of him- because Doomsday was massive; it might have been bittersweet to see Lois, Jimmy, even Perry’s mug over his shoulder, but instead all I got was his craggy, bony face, mouth in a sharp snarl, nostrils flared, beady red eyes focused on me like there wasn’t another thing in creation.
And it was fast- that moment. Doomsday was quick, nearly as fast as I am, and that punch, I knew, I told myself this was it. I had to hit him, hit him with everything, because this was the last punch I was ever going to be able to throw. And up to the end, I thought I was going to collapse in exhaustion- that this was surely the end of the fight- but I thought I was going to win, that I was going to hit him just fast enough to avoid his crushing blow. And I didn’t. I remember that huge, horrible fist suddenly filling my vision as those big, bony claws gashed into my forehead. And the last, conscious thought I had was, “I’m dead. He’s going to pierce my brain.”
ID: It turns out he didn’t, but he did kill you- at least as far as medical science was concerned. Even your friend, the Martian Man
S: J’onn.
ID: Yes, J’onn Jones, he thought you were brain dead at a minimum, because he couldn’t detect any brain activity telepathically.
S: Of course, at the time, he was “pretending” to be Bloodwynd- I tease him about it, call it his “Shaft” phase. I eventually told him that, as a shapeshifting green Martian, he didn’t have to act like the most uptight white guy in the country. Of course, he countered that the most uptight white guy was either Bruce, Alfred or the Question.
ID: Alfred?
S: In-joke. Sorry. Let’s just say he’s a very English butler.
ID: Okay, so death. Boom, the monster Doomsday’s fist hits your skull.
S: My eyes close instinctively; a white, pointed explosion flashes in front of me as he makes contact. And I realize that’s it. That’s the last moment of everything. I won’t get to say goodbye to Lois; I won’t ever feel the sun; I think the last thing I’ll feel is that ground rushing up to me. I thought I could still feel the sensation of falling, falling, and after a moment I knew that must not be true, because I still felt that dizzying sensation, and I couldn’t still be falling, I had to be on the ground by now, but I still felt like I was spinning.
And I remember, slowly at first, but building, like a crescendo in a big orchestral number, that I became okay with it. I was dead, but I knew I’d saved my city, my wife, my friends, and not to romanticize it too much, but at the time, it felt like I’d saved the world, maybe everything. I’d fought the good fight, and it had claimed me, but if I had to say goodbye to everything, it wasn’t all that bad of a way to go.
You know… I’m slowly building back up to that. Examining my own mortality, I’ve really been looking towards putting my affairs, and I had no idea how many irons I had in my fires, until I tried to start sorting them all out, get them into some order that the people I leave behind could make some use of.
So I’ve really been trying. Talking to my friends, my loved ones. And it’s hard to get to that point. It’s hard to let go of life, when everything, every cell in your body is saying to you that you’re not ready to let go, that there’s life still left in you.
So I guess I’m still fighting the good fight. Monsters. Madmen. And my disease. Fighting the good fight. Trying to go out on my own steam.
ID: And right now there's no happy ending in sight- the cancer's killing you. So what's the happiest ending you can envision right now? How do you want to go out?
S: Honestly? It seems like there's always something else out there. For every time we beat back a Darkseid, or a Brainiac, a Mageddon or Imperiex comes in his wake. The worst thing about my condition is worrying that there's something coming, something worse than anything that's come, something the Earth, and my friends, need me for. It really just digs at me to think that I might not be there for them. So a happy ending would be fighting the worst thing we've ever fought, beating it, and all of us going home, and having just enough energy to make it back to Lois, curl back in my own bed. Tell her I love her, squeeze her hand one last time, and she holds my hand until it goes limp. I think that's a happy enough way to go.
We’ll be trying to bring you a new section of the interview every Monday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.
Superman: You know, that’s an interesting question. I guess, to be honest, I was a little busy to notice. I mean, I remember dying. But death, like the afterlife- I was preoccupied. The stress of everything that came with dying, everything that preceded it, and the aftermath I knew I was leaving behind, I never really took stock in being dead, surveyed the area to notice if I was in an Elysian Field or if there were chubby winged babies. I guess, too, I was in constant transition; I didn't get a moment to rest on my laurels- even in death there seemed to be a lot of demands on my time.
ID: Okay. Then let’s start with dying. What do you remember?
S: Doomsday. The thing about dying, is you always picture it as quiet, a last goodbye to friends and loved ones, maybe a kiss, closing your eyes, and letting go of that last heavy breath before you drift peacefully away.
Instead, my last moment was Doomsday. The hot, hateful stench of his breath, his sweat, all of the things he’d trampled on and through. The taste of my blood in my mouth, and pain, scorching pain everywhere. Being as durable as I am, I can survive a lot of punishment, but as it turns out, that means anything strong enough to kill me really hurts. And the sight of him- because Doomsday was massive; it might have been bittersweet to see Lois, Jimmy, even Perry’s mug over his shoulder, but instead all I got was his craggy, bony face, mouth in a sharp snarl, nostrils flared, beady red eyes focused on me like there wasn’t another thing in creation.
And it was fast- that moment. Doomsday was quick, nearly as fast as I am, and that punch, I knew, I told myself this was it. I had to hit him, hit him with everything, because this was the last punch I was ever going to be able to throw. And up to the end, I thought I was going to collapse in exhaustion- that this was surely the end of the fight- but I thought I was going to win, that I was going to hit him just fast enough to avoid his crushing blow. And I didn’t. I remember that huge, horrible fist suddenly filling my vision as those big, bony claws gashed into my forehead. And the last, conscious thought I had was, “I’m dead. He’s going to pierce my brain.”
ID: It turns out he didn’t, but he did kill you- at least as far as medical science was concerned. Even your friend, the Martian Man
S: J’onn.
ID: Yes, J’onn Jones, he thought you were brain dead at a minimum, because he couldn’t detect any brain activity telepathically.
S: Of course, at the time, he was “pretending” to be Bloodwynd- I tease him about it, call it his “Shaft” phase. I eventually told him that, as a shapeshifting green Martian, he didn’t have to act like the most uptight white guy in the country. Of course, he countered that the most uptight white guy was either Bruce, Alfred or the Question.
ID: Alfred?
S: In-joke. Sorry. Let’s just say he’s a very English butler.
ID: Okay, so death. Boom, the monster Doomsday’s fist hits your skull.
S: My eyes close instinctively; a white, pointed explosion flashes in front of me as he makes contact. And I realize that’s it. That’s the last moment of everything. I won’t get to say goodbye to Lois; I won’t ever feel the sun; I think the last thing I’ll feel is that ground rushing up to me. I thought I could still feel the sensation of falling, falling, and after a moment I knew that must not be true, because I still felt that dizzying sensation, and I couldn’t still be falling, I had to be on the ground by now, but I still felt like I was spinning.
And I remember, slowly at first, but building, like a crescendo in a big orchestral number, that I became okay with it. I was dead, but I knew I’d saved my city, my wife, my friends, and not to romanticize it too much, but at the time, it felt like I’d saved the world, maybe everything. I’d fought the good fight, and it had claimed me, but if I had to say goodbye to everything, it wasn’t all that bad of a way to go.
You know… I’m slowly building back up to that. Examining my own mortality, I’ve really been looking towards putting my affairs, and I had no idea how many irons I had in my fires, until I tried to start sorting them all out, get them into some order that the people I leave behind could make some use of.
So I’ve really been trying. Talking to my friends, my loved ones. And it’s hard to get to that point. It’s hard to let go of life, when everything, every cell in your body is saying to you that you’re not ready to let go, that there’s life still left in you.
So I guess I’m still fighting the good fight. Monsters. Madmen. And my disease. Fighting the good fight. Trying to go out on my own steam.
ID: And right now there's no happy ending in sight- the cancer's killing you. So what's the happiest ending you can envision right now? How do you want to go out?
S: Honestly? It seems like there's always something else out there. For every time we beat back a Darkseid, or a Brainiac, a Mageddon or Imperiex comes in his wake. The worst thing about my condition is worrying that there's something coming, something worse than anything that's come, something the Earth, and my friends, need me for. It really just digs at me to think that I might not be there for them. So a happy ending would be fighting the worst thing we've ever fought, beating it, and all of us going home, and having just enough energy to make it back to Lois, curl back in my own bed. Tell her I love her, squeeze her hand one last time, and she holds my hand until it goes limp. I think that's a happy enough way to go.
We’ll be trying to bring you a new section of the interview every Monday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.
Monday, January 26, 2009
President Luthor
ID: Given that America has inaugurated a new President this week, I want to talk about President Luthor.
Superman: You can imagine my elation.
ID: It’s obnoxious having to call a disgraced President that, isn’t it?
S: It was obnoxious ever having to call that disgrace President.
ID: So it’s safe to assume there’s no love lost between the two of you.
S: There was a time when Lex and I were friends; I had a lot of respect for him, and the things he was able to do- the things I thought he would do, for humanity. But he squandered all of that because of a- perceived rivalry between us. Lex’s greatest weakness
ID: His Kryptonite.
S: has always been his ego. It was always about proving he was the greatest, the best, all because his father spent so much of his youth convincing him he was worthless. But at some point, it stopped being the horrible thing that his father did to him, and became the terrible things Lex did to the world, in anger, for revenge, for spite.
ID: So you don’t think there was even a part of Lex that wanted to succeed as President?
S: Oh no- I think most of Lex really wanted to be the best President he could be, to show his father, to show himself. That's always been the rub of Lex, that he doesn't see himself as a bad person- he thinks he's a pragmatist, a hard man making the tough decisions others couldn't or wouldn't. I think deep down Lex really is mostly a good person, and he genuinely sought to help people.
But the core of Lex is rotten; time and again there's a part of him that has looked for the easy way, the expedient if morally gray way, that constantly gets him into trouble. I think on some level Lex campaigned thinking he could remake himself as Presidential, that he could bury all the hateful, insecure things in himself in the earth, hoping they could mature into something good.
ID: Are you comparing Luthor to sauerkraut?
S: I guess I am- or at least, in his conception I am. But I think pushing all those things down only made him worse-, and he eventually did what he always does.
ID: I know the League was actively against him in the campaign, giving more interviews, tacitly allowing his opponents to use your likenesses in ad spots- a few of you even came out and endorsed his opponents. So why do you think the League was unsuccessful in fighting Luthor’s election?
S: One thing Lex has always been good at is deflecting criticism. We opened up all of the League files on Luthor to the press, but he was able to paint us as elitists, and aliens, who didn’t want the people to decide for themselves, but wanted to choose their President for them. He described us as an insidious cadre of celebrities, Barbara Streisand with batarangs, or a flying George Clooney. And since he was running on a platform of technological progress, he lambasted us for not sharing our various advanced technologies with the world.
ID: Let me play devil's advocate for a moment, then...
S: Why haven't we shared our technology? There are two answers, one simple, and one complex.
ID: I'm a simple man.
S: Nuclear technology. Every technology is like a knife, a hundred peaceful uses, but you can use it to hurt people, too. Kryptonian technology is probably a hundred years ahead of human technology. The same goes for Martian. What little we have of Apokalyptian tech might be even more advanced than that. While our tech could revolutionize the world, it could also be used to destroy it. Take a teleporter. It could basically solve world hunger, reduce the cost of shipping cheap medical supplies to disaster areas- a thousand and one uses. Or it could be used to pipe a dirty bomb into the UN.
ID: If that was the simple answer
S: Yeah. The more complicated one is that we aren't engineers- myself, J'onn. We're smart, and we dabble, but we have the tech we came with. We aren't really qualified or outfitted to reproduce the technology en masse. And yes, it's true that we've got people like John Henry Irons working with us, a man far ahead of his time, but we'd need an army of Johns to be able to first reverse-engineer and then reproduce the tech. Luthor basically campaigned on the promise of an iPod with a bigger harddrive; comparatively our tech is a quantum iPod in a droplet of water.
ID: Okay- I'm not sure I entirely agree with your reasoning, there, but there's reasoning, at least (though it might have helped your case to articulate those things during the campaign). But on that note, I heard there were rumors the League considered fronting its own candidate to oppose Luthor.
S: We talked about it. sure. What it really came down to, is, I would have run against him, but I’m an alien. I’ve never been shy about the fact that I’m from another planet, but because I’m not a naturally born citizen- it’s a non-starter.
There were a lot of other names thrown around, Ollie thought about it, but of course Dinah talked him out of it, I think the quote ran, “You’re a loudmouthed idiot who never thinks about what he’s going to say before he’s said it.” Which is mostly right. I mean, he was one of the founding members of the League, but nobody remembers that, because we’d sooner forget that he was there. And I love Ollie. He’s oftentimes the voice of fallible reason, but loud and liberal as he is, he couldn’t get elected in Seattle, let alone nationally.
And Bruce thought about it. Bruce wrestled with it. I think, had everything Bruce came to find out about what Luthor did to Gotham
ID: You mean the earthquake, and the declaration that Gotham was no longer U.S. Territory- that Luthor used his technology and his influence to first cause the disaster and then exacerbate it.
S: Right. A lot of people died because of that, lost their homes, livelihoods. Even before that, Bruce was on the fence. He was willing to pit his fortune, his company, his life, against Luthor, because he understood what letting him become President meant. But what it came down to, was, if anyone started digging, and a Presidential candidate, especially a political unknown like Bruce Wayne, is always going to be vetted, by the media and their opponents, and the moment someone started digging, Bruce’s name was going to come up in connection with Batman, and the League, and probably a thousand quasi-legal things he’d done. He could out-argue Luthor on the issues, he could out-maneuver Luthor politically, he could even afford to outspend Luthor, but the one thing he couldn’t escape was the good he’d done. Still, if he’d known everything Luthor was culpable for- but he didn’t, not in time, anyway. Which is why, after Luthor was elected, Bruce canceled all his contracts with the U.S. Government. He lost billions, personally, and didn’t blink. Luthor attacking Gotham- Bruce took it personally. Unfortunately, Luthor took that personally. He murdered Vesper Fairchild and framed Bruce for it.
And of course, that was only the beginning for Lex. He made a deal with the devil- Darkseid to be specific- though I suppose he’s done that enough times that it’s not being specific enough. He harmed the government and the Presidency in a way that successfully made people forget all about Nixon.
But I guess, if I wanted to make sure people walked away with anything from it, it’s this: it’s admirable to want change. It’s important, and necessary, right, and good. But it’s also necessary to be cautious where that change is coming from, what direction it’s moving in, and the cost, financially, spiritually, and morally. Because whatever incremental progress we made under Luthor, it was not worth what it cost us.
ID: That almost sounds like you're being critical of this new administration.
S: No. Sorry, I'm not Fox News- I don't report disaster or failure until it's actually happened. But there are certainly parallels in their rhetoric. And I don't know Barrack the way I know Lex- and I hope, aside from a taste for the future in their speeches, the men are completely different. But it's a good lesson to keep in mind, especially when a President is a relative unknown, because it's as much the duty of the people as it is of the Congress and Supreme Court to act as a check and balance on a President. We give him a four year grace period, but after that, if he hasn't been true to his word, we find someone better for the job.
We’ll be trying to bring you a new section to the interview every Monday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.
Superman: You can imagine my elation.
ID: It’s obnoxious having to call a disgraced President that, isn’t it?
S: It was obnoxious ever having to call that disgrace President.
ID: So it’s safe to assume there’s no love lost between the two of you.
S: There was a time when Lex and I were friends; I had a lot of respect for him, and the things he was able to do- the things I thought he would do, for humanity. But he squandered all of that because of a- perceived rivalry between us. Lex’s greatest weakness
ID: His Kryptonite.
S: has always been his ego. It was always about proving he was the greatest, the best, all because his father spent so much of his youth convincing him he was worthless. But at some point, it stopped being the horrible thing that his father did to him, and became the terrible things Lex did to the world, in anger, for revenge, for spite.
ID: So you don’t think there was even a part of Lex that wanted to succeed as President?
S: Oh no- I think most of Lex really wanted to be the best President he could be, to show his father, to show himself. That's always been the rub of Lex, that he doesn't see himself as a bad person- he thinks he's a pragmatist, a hard man making the tough decisions others couldn't or wouldn't. I think deep down Lex really is mostly a good person, and he genuinely sought to help people.
But the core of Lex is rotten; time and again there's a part of him that has looked for the easy way, the expedient if morally gray way, that constantly gets him into trouble. I think on some level Lex campaigned thinking he could remake himself as Presidential, that he could bury all the hateful, insecure things in himself in the earth, hoping they could mature into something good.
ID: Are you comparing Luthor to sauerkraut?
S: I guess I am- or at least, in his conception I am. But I think pushing all those things down only made him worse-, and he eventually did what he always does.
ID: I know the League was actively against him in the campaign, giving more interviews, tacitly allowing his opponents to use your likenesses in ad spots- a few of you even came out and endorsed his opponents. So why do you think the League was unsuccessful in fighting Luthor’s election?
S: One thing Lex has always been good at is deflecting criticism. We opened up all of the League files on Luthor to the press, but he was able to paint us as elitists, and aliens, who didn’t want the people to decide for themselves, but wanted to choose their President for them. He described us as an insidious cadre of celebrities, Barbara Streisand with batarangs, or a flying George Clooney. And since he was running on a platform of technological progress, he lambasted us for not sharing our various advanced technologies with the world.
ID: Let me play devil's advocate for a moment, then...
S: Why haven't we shared our technology? There are two answers, one simple, and one complex.
ID: I'm a simple man.
S: Nuclear technology. Every technology is like a knife, a hundred peaceful uses, but you can use it to hurt people, too. Kryptonian technology is probably a hundred years ahead of human technology. The same goes for Martian. What little we have of Apokalyptian tech might be even more advanced than that. While our tech could revolutionize the world, it could also be used to destroy it. Take a teleporter. It could basically solve world hunger, reduce the cost of shipping cheap medical supplies to disaster areas- a thousand and one uses. Or it could be used to pipe a dirty bomb into the UN.
ID: If that was the simple answer
S: Yeah. The more complicated one is that we aren't engineers- myself, J'onn. We're smart, and we dabble, but we have the tech we came with. We aren't really qualified or outfitted to reproduce the technology en masse. And yes, it's true that we've got people like John Henry Irons working with us, a man far ahead of his time, but we'd need an army of Johns to be able to first reverse-engineer and then reproduce the tech. Luthor basically campaigned on the promise of an iPod with a bigger harddrive; comparatively our tech is a quantum iPod in a droplet of water.
ID: Okay- I'm not sure I entirely agree with your reasoning, there, but there's reasoning, at least (though it might have helped your case to articulate those things during the campaign). But on that note, I heard there were rumors the League considered fronting its own candidate to oppose Luthor.
S: We talked about it. sure. What it really came down to, is, I would have run against him, but I’m an alien. I’ve never been shy about the fact that I’m from another planet, but because I’m not a naturally born citizen- it’s a non-starter.
There were a lot of other names thrown around, Ollie thought about it, but of course Dinah talked him out of it, I think the quote ran, “You’re a loudmouthed idiot who never thinks about what he’s going to say before he’s said it.” Which is mostly right. I mean, he was one of the founding members of the League, but nobody remembers that, because we’d sooner forget that he was there. And I love Ollie. He’s oftentimes the voice of fallible reason, but loud and liberal as he is, he couldn’t get elected in Seattle, let alone nationally.
And Bruce thought about it. Bruce wrestled with it. I think, had everything Bruce came to find out about what Luthor did to Gotham
ID: You mean the earthquake, and the declaration that Gotham was no longer U.S. Territory- that Luthor used his technology and his influence to first cause the disaster and then exacerbate it.
S: Right. A lot of people died because of that, lost their homes, livelihoods. Even before that, Bruce was on the fence. He was willing to pit his fortune, his company, his life, against Luthor, because he understood what letting him become President meant. But what it came down to, was, if anyone started digging, and a Presidential candidate, especially a political unknown like Bruce Wayne, is always going to be vetted, by the media and their opponents, and the moment someone started digging, Bruce’s name was going to come up in connection with Batman, and the League, and probably a thousand quasi-legal things he’d done. He could out-argue Luthor on the issues, he could out-maneuver Luthor politically, he could even afford to outspend Luthor, but the one thing he couldn’t escape was the good he’d done. Still, if he’d known everything Luthor was culpable for- but he didn’t, not in time, anyway. Which is why, after Luthor was elected, Bruce canceled all his contracts with the U.S. Government. He lost billions, personally, and didn’t blink. Luthor attacking Gotham- Bruce took it personally. Unfortunately, Luthor took that personally. He murdered Vesper Fairchild and framed Bruce for it.
And of course, that was only the beginning for Lex. He made a deal with the devil- Darkseid to be specific- though I suppose he’s done that enough times that it’s not being specific enough. He harmed the government and the Presidency in a way that successfully made people forget all about Nixon.
But I guess, if I wanted to make sure people walked away with anything from it, it’s this: it’s admirable to want change. It’s important, and necessary, right, and good. But it’s also necessary to be cautious where that change is coming from, what direction it’s moving in, and the cost, financially, spiritually, and morally. Because whatever incremental progress we made under Luthor, it was not worth what it cost us.
ID: That almost sounds like you're being critical of this new administration.
S: No. Sorry, I'm not Fox News- I don't report disaster or failure until it's actually happened. But there are certainly parallels in their rhetoric. And I don't know Barrack the way I know Lex- and I hope, aside from a taste for the future in their speeches, the men are completely different. But it's a good lesson to keep in mind, especially when a President is a relative unknown, because it's as much the duty of the people as it is of the Congress and Supreme Court to act as a check and balance on a President. We give him a four year grace period, but after that, if he hasn't been true to his word, we find someone better for the job.
We’ll be trying to bring you a new section to the interview every Monday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.
Monday, January 19, 2009
It's a Plane
S: I’m actually a little talked out from that last speech.
ID: Yeah, I thought that might happen, so I came prepared to start over.
S: Oh no.
ID: Yep. Origin story. Well, sort of. I want to talk about your first “appearance,” as it were. Do you need me to refresh your memory, or
S: The plane, yeah.
ID: My first question’s kind of easy- you weren’t a superhero, then. There really wasn’t such a thing as superheroes, really. So what was with the long underwear?
S: The cape was actually a red cloak, one of the family heirlooms my parents sent me to Earth with, wrapped in, like a blanket, with the family crest on the back in gold.
ID: So your father sent his only begotten son in swaddling cloth to watch over humanity...
S: Don't even start with that. It's not funny.
Anyway, as a kid, I was never any kind of a “Superboy,” so I didn’t have a costume or anything- I mean, I’d help people sometimes, but it was always about flying below the radar and trying to blend in and go back to being normal after that- which, now that I think on it, probably didn’t work so well. I mean, my hometown was a small, small town, where everybody knew your name, your daddy’s name, and what he did for a living. I imagine a lot of folks knew who I was back then, but bless them nobody ever said a word- even years later, when I imagine there would have been some big tabloid dollars for their stories. But college was really where I got my footing. My senses kept expanding, just as my other abilities did, and it got to a point where there was no avoiding the fact that I had to use what I could do to help people.
Well Lana, a, uh, friend from back then, one time, eating dinner with us back at the farm, accidentally let slip about some of my do-gooding, and mom couldn’t let it go. I think she’d been watching too many sci-fi shows, and decided I needed some kind of a policeman uniform- only far less conservative. And it was just incredibly sweet of her, but she sewed me this costume, using the red and gold from the blanket, and adding in blue, I think because she wanted to make sure I seemed patriotic and noble to the people I met, to help them trust me- and blue is of course the classic police uniform color. Of course, I didn’t wear it- I mean, it was kind of silly. But it was also sweet, and I kept it, all through college. It was really hard to explain to girls uh, friends, when they’d see it hanging in my dormroom closet.
But when I graduated, I got hired on to work at the Daily Planet in Metropolis. I attended this get-to-know-you luncheon, and shook hands with everybody. Perry White was just one of those terse but friendly old-reporter-types you sometimes run into in the business, you know, guys who grew up with ink on their fingers. Jimmy didn’t work there at the time, but I think his uncle or cousin, something, did, though he was kind of a useless drunk by then. He’d hire on freelance photographers, pretty girls if he could find them, and skim part of the fee off their photos while passing them off to Perry as his own work. But I got to meet Lois, and we talked for all of three minutes, during which time she came up with no less than five diminutive nicknames for me, all based roughly around my hometown.
But the next day I was settling into my apartment. I heard the first boom of this experimental jet, different from a normal jet, and that got me to the window. Then I heard the second boom, and saw the wing strut tear. I knew, I knew I couldn’t just fly out of my window as Clark Kent, but it’s not like I lived above a costume shop, or even had kept my graduation robes (I rented them), but on top of my clothes box, folded very neatly, was that uniform mom sewed with a note pinned to the chest that said, “Wear it with pride, Mom”. And I glanced out the window again, and the plane was already going down- I didn’t have time for modesty. I dressed and leapt out the window. I managed to set the plane down safely, and there was a moment where Lois caught my eyes through one of the windows, and the look she gave me, it’s the look every man wants to get, it’s admiration, and intrigue, and affection with a hint of lust beneath. At that moment I realized what that look might do to me in my skintight uniform, so I flew away.
But the most embarrassing thing was I got back to the apartment, my heart racing, as much from seeing Lois look at me that way as from saving an experimental plane-load of reporters, and I looked down, and the note, from my mother, “Wear it with pride, Mom,” was still pinned to my chest. Can you think of anything worse?
ID: I guess your pants could have come down.
S: “Flasher saves Plane.” Barry and Wally would have had to use different names. Maybe Lightningmen or something. But sure enough, the next day, blurry pictures of me in my mom’s science fiction police uniform were on the front page of every paper in the city. And Lana showed up at my apartment, with a copy of the front page, her sewing kit and the biggest grin on her face. This was before she became a famous fashion designer, but she said if I was determined to spend my time in garish clothing, at least it could be professionally sewn. And, you know, after Lana had taken a whack at it, I sort of, liked the design my mom had come up with, and, I suppose, truth be told, I liked the way it had made Lois look at me.
ID: That explains most of it, actually, but what about the glasses?
S: The glasses were mom’s idea, too. She wore glasses, and… well, I knew I’d messed up. I mean, I worked with Lois, and she was bound to recognize my face. I could comb my hair differently, but what else was I going to do? Wear a mask into the office. Cake on make-up? Glasses were the best solution we could think of, and I started with these just ridiculous Coke-bottle lenses that made me look like a mole. I figured between those and steering clear of Lois, that would be enough, at least until her fascination with her “Superman” ended. But of course I never took into account that she’d fall in love with him, or that I’d fall in love with her. The best laid plans, and all that. Still, for all of the self-consciousness, and silliness throughout the years, I wouldn't change any of it, because, I'm proud of how everything has turned out, and happy with the life I've got.
We’ll be trying to bring you a new section to the interview every Monday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.
ID: Yeah, I thought that might happen, so I came prepared to start over.
S: Oh no.
ID: Yep. Origin story. Well, sort of. I want to talk about your first “appearance,” as it were. Do you need me to refresh your memory, or
S: The plane, yeah.
ID: My first question’s kind of easy- you weren’t a superhero, then. There really wasn’t such a thing as superheroes, really. So what was with the long underwear?
S: The cape was actually a red cloak, one of the family heirlooms my parents sent me to Earth with, wrapped in, like a blanket, with the family crest on the back in gold.
ID: So your father sent his only begotten son in swaddling cloth to watch over humanity...
S: Don't even start with that. It's not funny.
Anyway, as a kid, I was never any kind of a “Superboy,” so I didn’t have a costume or anything- I mean, I’d help people sometimes, but it was always about flying below the radar and trying to blend in and go back to being normal after that- which, now that I think on it, probably didn’t work so well. I mean, my hometown was a small, small town, where everybody knew your name, your daddy’s name, and what he did for a living. I imagine a lot of folks knew who I was back then, but bless them nobody ever said a word- even years later, when I imagine there would have been some big tabloid dollars for their stories. But college was really where I got my footing. My senses kept expanding, just as my other abilities did, and it got to a point where there was no avoiding the fact that I had to use what I could do to help people.
Well Lana, a, uh, friend from back then, one time, eating dinner with us back at the farm, accidentally let slip about some of my do-gooding, and mom couldn’t let it go. I think she’d been watching too many sci-fi shows, and decided I needed some kind of a policeman uniform- only far less conservative. And it was just incredibly sweet of her, but she sewed me this costume, using the red and gold from the blanket, and adding in blue, I think because she wanted to make sure I seemed patriotic and noble to the people I met, to help them trust me- and blue is of course the classic police uniform color. Of course, I didn’t wear it- I mean, it was kind of silly. But it was also sweet, and I kept it, all through college. It was really hard to explain to girls uh, friends, when they’d see it hanging in my dormroom closet.
But when I graduated, I got hired on to work at the Daily Planet in Metropolis. I attended this get-to-know-you luncheon, and shook hands with everybody. Perry White was just one of those terse but friendly old-reporter-types you sometimes run into in the business, you know, guys who grew up with ink on their fingers. Jimmy didn’t work there at the time, but I think his uncle or cousin, something, did, though he was kind of a useless drunk by then. He’d hire on freelance photographers, pretty girls if he could find them, and skim part of the fee off their photos while passing them off to Perry as his own work. But I got to meet Lois, and we talked for all of three minutes, during which time she came up with no less than five diminutive nicknames for me, all based roughly around my hometown.
But the next day I was settling into my apartment. I heard the first boom of this experimental jet, different from a normal jet, and that got me to the window. Then I heard the second boom, and saw the wing strut tear. I knew, I knew I couldn’t just fly out of my window as Clark Kent, but it’s not like I lived above a costume shop, or even had kept my graduation robes (I rented them), but on top of my clothes box, folded very neatly, was that uniform mom sewed with a note pinned to the chest that said, “Wear it with pride, Mom”. And I glanced out the window again, and the plane was already going down- I didn’t have time for modesty. I dressed and leapt out the window. I managed to set the plane down safely, and there was a moment where Lois caught my eyes through one of the windows, and the look she gave me, it’s the look every man wants to get, it’s admiration, and intrigue, and affection with a hint of lust beneath. At that moment I realized what that look might do to me in my skintight uniform, so I flew away.
But the most embarrassing thing was I got back to the apartment, my heart racing, as much from seeing Lois look at me that way as from saving an experimental plane-load of reporters, and I looked down, and the note, from my mother, “Wear it with pride, Mom,” was still pinned to my chest. Can you think of anything worse?
ID: I guess your pants could have come down.
S: “Flasher saves Plane.” Barry and Wally would have had to use different names. Maybe Lightningmen or something. But sure enough, the next day, blurry pictures of me in my mom’s science fiction police uniform were on the front page of every paper in the city. And Lana showed up at my apartment, with a copy of the front page, her sewing kit and the biggest grin on her face. This was before she became a famous fashion designer, but she said if I was determined to spend my time in garish clothing, at least it could be professionally sewn. And, you know, after Lana had taken a whack at it, I sort of, liked the design my mom had come up with, and, I suppose, truth be told, I liked the way it had made Lois look at me.
ID: That explains most of it, actually, but what about the glasses?
S: The glasses were mom’s idea, too. She wore glasses, and… well, I knew I’d messed up. I mean, I worked with Lois, and she was bound to recognize my face. I could comb my hair differently, but what else was I going to do? Wear a mask into the office. Cake on make-up? Glasses were the best solution we could think of, and I started with these just ridiculous Coke-bottle lenses that made me look like a mole. I figured between those and steering clear of Lois, that would be enough, at least until her fascination with her “Superman” ended. But of course I never took into account that she’d fall in love with him, or that I’d fall in love with her. The best laid plans, and all that. Still, for all of the self-consciousness, and silliness throughout the years, I wouldn't change any of it, because, I'm proud of how everything has turned out, and happy with the life I've got.
We’ll be trying to bring you a new section to the interview every Monday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Truth, Justice, and the American Way
ID: I know this is my interview, but, frankly, I don’t feel comfortable controlling it. This feels like Frost/Nixon, but I don’t think I’m up to really being Frost.
S: Which is good because I don’t think my Nixon is ready for prime time.
ID: But what I mean is, this is potentially the last interview for the Last Son of Krypton. I’m okay with being here to keep it objective, and provide the human perspective, but really, I’m interested in what you want to say. Because I think there’s a reason you came to me- I’m a relative unknown, and I’m not your wife and I’m not your alter ego, either. You wanted someone fresh and… well, as unbiased as a person can get talking to Superman.
S: Okay, well, first off, I’ve never been comfortable with that name. I know Lois had the best of intentions, and I guess a man who can fly is likely to get some appellations regarding his metahuman abilities, but I’ve never really felt “super.”
ID: In fairness to your wife, we should note that you were already wearing a big “S” on your shirt.
S: Well, it is and it isn’t. It’s my family’s crest. On Krypton, it’s, and I say this while cringing a bit, but it’s the symbol for hope. I come from a long line of scientists and leaders, and at some point, that family tradition became part of the crest. But super… I’ve always felt that implied that other people were less than me. And I’ve never been comfortable with that.
ID: So you don’t feel, being a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, married to probably the hottest Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, with the strength to huck the Earth into the sun… none of that ever makes you feel greater than any other human being?
S: No. Because my parents taught me that the value of a human being isn’t in the gifts they were given, it’s not even in the things they’ve been able to accomplish- it’s in their potential. I tried to live up to my potential, which I understand is maybe more potent than some, but any random person you run into on the street- they could be the one who cures cancer, and saves more lives than I ever will; it might not even be a scientific breakthrough they pioneer, it could just be a small genetic mutation they carry that affords us a cure. Or if you want to stick with the metahuman angle, I’ve learned through the years that just because someone is, if you’ll pardon the term, normal, today, it doesn’t mean they won’t be growing to the size of skyscrapers and kicking parademons in the crotch by next summer. The world is not a snapshot of this moment. It’s this moment, and everything this moment and its momentum are building towards.
ID: A sentiment befitting the Man of Tomorrow.
S: I’ve often been said to be a proponent of “truth, justice and the American way.” Truth, I believe in above everything but my family’s safety; it’s the only reason I have for misleading people about Clark Kent, and while it’s a lie I’ve always regretted, it’s one that was necessary, and given the opportunity I’d do it all over again, because Lois, and my parents, it’s kept them safe. Justice… that’s a concept too big even for a Superman, even for the ideal I know others placed on my shoulders. I tried to be just, and that’s all I can really say about it. But the American way is something I’ve struggled with, especially in the last few years. There was a time when I thought I’d get to be a beacon forever, which might have been youthful exuberance, but I relished the idea of trying to show a country I dearly love, that I came to see as my home, the example my parents had given me. And it's an adjustment, recognizing your own impending mortality, that there are things you'll leave unfinished, goals and dreams unfulfilled. But I think I'm getting away from myself... what I was getting at is America's had a rough patch lately.
ID: That's being diplomatic.
S: And I hate to betray even a little of my politics, but I think America can and should be Reagan’s City on a Hill- and I say that because we were. We were the measuring stick to which every nation, every society, pressed its best and brightest. We weren’t always right, but we always tried to be right.
And it seems like lately, we’ve been content to be profitable and safe. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be those things, it’s just not enough. America means more than that. And because I’ve been so tied to the soul of this nation, usually to my benefit, our country’s problems in the last decade hurt me personally. The world doesn’t look up to America they way it used to, and people have lost the twinkle in their eye when they wonder if that thing in the sky is a bird or a plane.
But that isn't an epitaph, or a eulogy. The headline here isn't, “Superman Loses Faith in America.” We’re a good nation, a good people. But we should be great. We can still be great. I believe in my heart we will be great again… I just don’t know that I’ll be alive to see it. And more than just about anything, that is what sucks about dying.
Maybe it's a new day dawning already. We elected a black man president. I remember talking to my wife at the beginning of the primaries; she was an ardent Hillary supporter, as her Planet blog attests. I remember the conversation we had, then. I thought that, because Hillary was who she was, because America so fondly remembered the Clinton years, that she might be able to be the first woman president, probably years ahead of her time. We both thought Colin Powell, pre-UN/WMD scandal, was the only African American who could do the same- and I came to that conclusion heavily, because I liked a lot of what Obama had to say. I mean, remember what my family crest means- hope isn't just a buzzword to me. So his election, and impending inauguration, that means something for America.
So I hope I've seen the sun rise, I hope that things are taking a turn, and I pray things turn out well. When they do, remember to enjoy the sun for me.
We’ll be trying to bring you a new section to the interview every Monday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.
S: Which is good because I don’t think my Nixon is ready for prime time.
ID: But what I mean is, this is potentially the last interview for the Last Son of Krypton. I’m okay with being here to keep it objective, and provide the human perspective, but really, I’m interested in what you want to say. Because I think there’s a reason you came to me- I’m a relative unknown, and I’m not your wife and I’m not your alter ego, either. You wanted someone fresh and… well, as unbiased as a person can get talking to Superman.
S: Okay, well, first off, I’ve never been comfortable with that name. I know Lois had the best of intentions, and I guess a man who can fly is likely to get some appellations regarding his metahuman abilities, but I’ve never really felt “super.”
ID: In fairness to your wife, we should note that you were already wearing a big “S” on your shirt.
S: Well, it is and it isn’t. It’s my family’s crest. On Krypton, it’s, and I say this while cringing a bit, but it’s the symbol for hope. I come from a long line of scientists and leaders, and at some point, that family tradition became part of the crest. But super… I’ve always felt that implied that other people were less than me. And I’ve never been comfortable with that.
ID: So you don’t feel, being a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, married to probably the hottest Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, with the strength to huck the Earth into the sun… none of that ever makes you feel greater than any other human being?
S: No. Because my parents taught me that the value of a human being isn’t in the gifts they were given, it’s not even in the things they’ve been able to accomplish- it’s in their potential. I tried to live up to my potential, which I understand is maybe more potent than some, but any random person you run into on the street- they could be the one who cures cancer, and saves more lives than I ever will; it might not even be a scientific breakthrough they pioneer, it could just be a small genetic mutation they carry that affords us a cure. Or if you want to stick with the metahuman angle, I’ve learned through the years that just because someone is, if you’ll pardon the term, normal, today, it doesn’t mean they won’t be growing to the size of skyscrapers and kicking parademons in the crotch by next summer. The world is not a snapshot of this moment. It’s this moment, and everything this moment and its momentum are building towards.
ID: A sentiment befitting the Man of Tomorrow.
S: I’ve often been said to be a proponent of “truth, justice and the American way.” Truth, I believe in above everything but my family’s safety; it’s the only reason I have for misleading people about Clark Kent, and while it’s a lie I’ve always regretted, it’s one that was necessary, and given the opportunity I’d do it all over again, because Lois, and my parents, it’s kept them safe. Justice… that’s a concept too big even for a Superman, even for the ideal I know others placed on my shoulders. I tried to be just, and that’s all I can really say about it. But the American way is something I’ve struggled with, especially in the last few years. There was a time when I thought I’d get to be a beacon forever, which might have been youthful exuberance, but I relished the idea of trying to show a country I dearly love, that I came to see as my home, the example my parents had given me. And it's an adjustment, recognizing your own impending mortality, that there are things you'll leave unfinished, goals and dreams unfulfilled. But I think I'm getting away from myself... what I was getting at is America's had a rough patch lately.
ID: That's being diplomatic.
S: And I hate to betray even a little of my politics, but I think America can and should be Reagan’s City on a Hill- and I say that because we were. We were the measuring stick to which every nation, every society, pressed its best and brightest. We weren’t always right, but we always tried to be right.
And it seems like lately, we’ve been content to be profitable and safe. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be those things, it’s just not enough. America means more than that. And because I’ve been so tied to the soul of this nation, usually to my benefit, our country’s problems in the last decade hurt me personally. The world doesn’t look up to America they way it used to, and people have lost the twinkle in their eye when they wonder if that thing in the sky is a bird or a plane.
But that isn't an epitaph, or a eulogy. The headline here isn't, “Superman Loses Faith in America.” We’re a good nation, a good people. But we should be great. We can still be great. I believe in my heart we will be great again… I just don’t know that I’ll be alive to see it. And more than just about anything, that is what sucks about dying.
Maybe it's a new day dawning already. We elected a black man president. I remember talking to my wife at the beginning of the primaries; she was an ardent Hillary supporter, as her Planet blog attests. I remember the conversation we had, then. I thought that, because Hillary was who she was, because America so fondly remembered the Clinton years, that she might be able to be the first woman president, probably years ahead of her time. We both thought Colin Powell, pre-UN/WMD scandal, was the only African American who could do the same- and I came to that conclusion heavily, because I liked a lot of what Obama had to say. I mean, remember what my family crest means- hope isn't just a buzzword to me. So his election, and impending inauguration, that means something for America.
So I hope I've seen the sun rise, I hope that things are taking a turn, and I pray things turn out well. When they do, remember to enjoy the sun for me.
We’ll be trying to bring you a new section to the interview every Monday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Intro
ID: All right. I’m sitting down with the very legendary Man of Steel for a series of interviews. Because of the sensitivity of this story, I’m going to be withholding my name from the byline until the interviews are completed; I’ll just be signing ID. I'm recording this solely for the purposes of transcribing-
Superman: I’m a reporter. I know how this is done. Let’s just get on with it.
ID: Right. Sorry. Just like Adam West, right to the point. You know what the hell you’re doing.
S: I didn’t know you knew Adam.
ID: I got a chance to interview him. Really excellent guy- and just as cool as I thought he’d be- maybe cooler. But before we get any deeper, do you want to tell people why you’re doing this? I mean, right now, why you’re conducting a no-holds barred interview when for years you’ve really only done fluff pieces with, ahem, Clark Kent and Lois Lane.
S: Okay. Moment of truth,
ID: justice and the American way
S: Are you going to crack jokes the entire interview, or are you done?
ID: Sorry. Attempting to break the tension.
S: Yeah, well, consider it unbreakable supertension and move on. The reason I’m giving this interview is I’m dying. As a lot of you are probably aware, my abilities are roughly solar based. Apparently, Kryptonian skin cells can have the same reaction to too much sun as human skin cells; I have skin cancer. The irony, of course, is that it’s a fairly curable form of cancer in humans; however, my particular physiology makes it virtually impossible to treat. Obviously we can’t just cut it out. I tried chemo and all it gave me was extremely foul gas- so bad Krypto wouldn’t go near me for a month, and Lois made me sleep outside.
ID: Lois?
S: Yeah. We talked it over, talked with my parents. We might have been able to pretend both men disappeared mysteriously after Doomsday, but a second time? No. I’m, I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud to a reporter, but I’m married Lois Lane.
ID: And that means you are
S: Clark Kent, that’s right.
ID: And your parents are
S: In Kansas. I’m not going to broadcast too much about them, just because they’re humble, private folks. They don’t want to become a tourist attraction.
ID: Okay, but I want to talk about the cancer a little more. You’re a founding member of the Justice League, and in your rolodex you’ve got probably the hundred smartest people, magicians, and access to the most advanced technology in the world- maybe the universe.
S: Yeah. And I feel like an ass about that, actually. If Perry [White] got lung cancer, or Jimmy [Olson] had trouble with his prostate… but I guess those are the perks of saving the world, the best and brightest of the world take a shot at saving you when your chips are down. And they all have taken their shot; I can’t believe it’s something we haven’t gotten together to attempt before, actually. I mean, if you added up all of the smaller disasters, you know, the ones that weren’t out and out world-killers, you’d have fewer lives saved than the amount lost to cancer, but we had all this brilliance and power, and we never thought… I hate having regrets. I really always tried to live in a way where I didn’t, where I wasn’t second-guessing, because there was always a reason things didn’t come out for the best, some ideal I was stretching for, even if I didn’t reach it. But as it turns out, all of our tech, Kryptonian, Martian, even a little Apokalyptian, and even with everything we’ve ever gotten from Cadmus, and S.T.A.R. and Wayne… we couldn’t cure cancer.
ID: I kind of understand that, but how is it the magicians couldn’t just say, “Recnac eerf” and it’s done.
S: Apparently, it’s not that simple. If they could wave their wands, I mean, there are a lot of white wizards in our world, they’d have wiped out cancer, and AIDS, and every other disease and ailment known to man. I mean, there are theories, most of which honestly went over my head, that maybe cancer is in part controlled by the Lords of Chaos, or that perhaps there are opposing forces preventing them from fighting cancer on the other side- but the bottom line is the League took their absolute best shot, and so far it hasn’t paid off.
ID: So far?
S: Well you know the League- never knew a cause they could walk away from, so it’s all still ongoing. Batman seems to be taking it the hardest, and when Bruce wants something, he makes it so everyone wants what he wants. He’s dumped at least a billion dollars into various cancer research projects, some of them in his company, some of them not; he even put $175 million into a Luthor project that
ID: Are you aware you called him “Bruce?”
S: I
ID: Did you just out the Batman?
(silence)
S: Oh come on! Like anyone didn’t know Bruce Wayne was Batman! The man has bought half a billion dollars of space stations for the Justice League. He’s bought- and crashed- more fighter jets than Iran. How many multi-billionaires who are 6’1” with lantern-jaws who are in terrific shape are there in Gotham? Come on. I mean, combine that with the fact that everybody sees the direction Batman drives when he leaves town- it’s not like he’s driving so fast you can’t see the direction he’s traveling. I mean, come on. I’m sure he’ll be all kinds of pissed off about this- he’ll probably brood for a while.
ID: I think that might be a good place to end this first session. Off the record, do you think he’ll sue to keep that quiet?
S: Off the record nothing. No. Bruce is a good guy. He gets that if you sue innocent people, all you’re doing is bullying them with money. And bullying, well, at least bullying innocent people, isn’t him. So no. If it were Luthor, or Dale the Whale from Monk, then yeah, absolutely; I love Monk- the characters could practically like in our world, you know. In fact, Lex might sue just for that little name-drop. But if Luthor’s lawyers get at you, just use the name I. W. MORHAS; it stands for I was my own red-headed Australian stepchild- he’ll know exactly who you mean and it’ll piss him off- which it should. Come on, Lex, admit it- you faked your own death and came back as your own red-headed stepchild- admit you stole that off a daytime soap.
We’ll be trying to bring you a new section to the interview every Monday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email.
Superman: I’m a reporter. I know how this is done. Let’s just get on with it.
ID: Right. Sorry. Just like Adam West, right to the point. You know what the hell you’re doing.
S: I didn’t know you knew Adam.
ID: I got a chance to interview him. Really excellent guy- and just as cool as I thought he’d be- maybe cooler. But before we get any deeper, do you want to tell people why you’re doing this? I mean, right now, why you’re conducting a no-holds barred interview when for years you’ve really only done fluff pieces with, ahem, Clark Kent and Lois Lane.
S: Okay. Moment of truth,
ID: justice and the American way
S: Are you going to crack jokes the entire interview, or are you done?
ID: Sorry. Attempting to break the tension.
S: Yeah, well, consider it unbreakable supertension and move on. The reason I’m giving this interview is I’m dying. As a lot of you are probably aware, my abilities are roughly solar based. Apparently, Kryptonian skin cells can have the same reaction to too much sun as human skin cells; I have skin cancer. The irony, of course, is that it’s a fairly curable form of cancer in humans; however, my particular physiology makes it virtually impossible to treat. Obviously we can’t just cut it out. I tried chemo and all it gave me was extremely foul gas- so bad Krypto wouldn’t go near me for a month, and Lois made me sleep outside.
ID: Lois?
S: Yeah. We talked it over, talked with my parents. We might have been able to pretend both men disappeared mysteriously after Doomsday, but a second time? No. I’m, I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud to a reporter, but I’m married Lois Lane.
ID: And that means you are
S: Clark Kent, that’s right.
ID: And your parents are
S: In Kansas. I’m not going to broadcast too much about them, just because they’re humble, private folks. They don’t want to become a tourist attraction.
ID: Okay, but I want to talk about the cancer a little more. You’re a founding member of the Justice League, and in your rolodex you’ve got probably the hundred smartest people, magicians, and access to the most advanced technology in the world- maybe the universe.
S: Yeah. And I feel like an ass about that, actually. If Perry [White] got lung cancer, or Jimmy [Olson] had trouble with his prostate… but I guess those are the perks of saving the world, the best and brightest of the world take a shot at saving you when your chips are down. And they all have taken their shot; I can’t believe it’s something we haven’t gotten together to attempt before, actually. I mean, if you added up all of the smaller disasters, you know, the ones that weren’t out and out world-killers, you’d have fewer lives saved than the amount lost to cancer, but we had all this brilliance and power, and we never thought… I hate having regrets. I really always tried to live in a way where I didn’t, where I wasn’t second-guessing, because there was always a reason things didn’t come out for the best, some ideal I was stretching for, even if I didn’t reach it. But as it turns out, all of our tech, Kryptonian, Martian, even a little Apokalyptian, and even with everything we’ve ever gotten from Cadmus, and S.T.A.R. and Wayne… we couldn’t cure cancer.
ID: I kind of understand that, but how is it the magicians couldn’t just say, “Recnac eerf” and it’s done.
S: Apparently, it’s not that simple. If they could wave their wands, I mean, there are a lot of white wizards in our world, they’d have wiped out cancer, and AIDS, and every other disease and ailment known to man. I mean, there are theories, most of which honestly went over my head, that maybe cancer is in part controlled by the Lords of Chaos, or that perhaps there are opposing forces preventing them from fighting cancer on the other side- but the bottom line is the League took their absolute best shot, and so far it hasn’t paid off.
ID: So far?
S: Well you know the League- never knew a cause they could walk away from, so it’s all still ongoing. Batman seems to be taking it the hardest, and when Bruce wants something, he makes it so everyone wants what he wants. He’s dumped at least a billion dollars into various cancer research projects, some of them in his company, some of them not; he even put $175 million into a Luthor project that
ID: Are you aware you called him “Bruce?”
S: I
ID: Did you just out the Batman?
(silence)
S: Oh come on! Like anyone didn’t know Bruce Wayne was Batman! The man has bought half a billion dollars of space stations for the Justice League. He’s bought- and crashed- more fighter jets than Iran. How many multi-billionaires who are 6’1” with lantern-jaws who are in terrific shape are there in Gotham? Come on. I mean, combine that with the fact that everybody sees the direction Batman drives when he leaves town- it’s not like he’s driving so fast you can’t see the direction he’s traveling. I mean, come on. I’m sure he’ll be all kinds of pissed off about this- he’ll probably brood for a while.
ID: I think that might be a good place to end this first session. Off the record, do you think he’ll sue to keep that quiet?
S: Off the record nothing. No. Bruce is a good guy. He gets that if you sue innocent people, all you’re doing is bullying them with money. And bullying, well, at least bullying innocent people, isn’t him. So no. If it were Luthor, or Dale the Whale from Monk, then yeah, absolutely; I love Monk- the characters could practically like in our world, you know. In fact, Lex might sue just for that little name-drop. But if Luthor’s lawyers get at you, just use the name I. W. MORHAS; it stands for I was my own red-headed Australian stepchild- he’ll know exactly who you mean and it’ll piss him off- which it should. Come on, Lex, admit it- you faked your own death and came back as your own red-headed stepchild- admit you stole that off a daytime soap.
We’ll be trying to bring you a new section to the interview every Monday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email.
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