Too Sexy For His S

Indiscreet Dialectic: I want to ask you about a new tell-all book I’ve heard about, called Beneath the Cape. Have you heard about it, have any idea what it’s about?

Superman: Yes.

ID: Okay, fine, if you prefer to play the stoic card, I’ll describe it for our Googling public: it’s about your sex life, techniques, quirks, endowments. Maybe a better question would be: is it true?

S: I suppose it would make sense to quote a former president: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

ID: That’s a passable Arkansas, actually, but as I understand it, the author isn’t claiming that you had sex with her per se, just that she’s privy to information about your, um, escapades. What about that?

S: It’s certainly possible. Look, it’s a strange world. I can fly, and survive being shot with- well, anything I’ve been shot with so far. One of my best friends can read minds and change his shape to anything he can think of this side of an M.C. Escher sketch. Bruce dated a woman who could do real, honest-to-God magic, including making Plastic Man spend a month as a chicken. Which is to say nothing of the various technological methods of spying. So I’m not prepared to categorically deny ever having sex ever- but I can state unequivocally that no one I’ve been intimate with has ever spoken with the author of the book.

ID: I can’t help but note you’re being coy about her name.

S: Oh, I know who she is, but because I think breaking her anonymity could potentially expose her to harm from some, uh, overly enthusiastic supporters, I’m not going to out her, not to you or anyone else.

ID: But is she someone you know, someone from your past?

S: You know, that’s not a terrible question. I’ve known a hell of a lot of reporters and writers in my time, but actually no, she’s not someone I’ve known- there’s no personal angle here, at least not that I’ve uncovered.

ID: So it’s not Chloe Sullivan?

S: Uh, no- I’d, uh, heard that rumor, too, actually. And before I found out who it really was, I talked to Chloe, and no- it isn’t her.

ID: And you believe her?

S: I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this anywhere before, but I can hear extraordinarily well. Like, I can her your pulse increase when you’re worried about lying to me- or just pissing me off. I can hear the chemical reaction of neurons firing in the portion of the brain responsible for creative thought- as opposed to simple memory retrieval. So when Chloe said it wasn’t her, wasn’t anything to do with her, I believed her.

ID: And did the two of you talk about anything else?

S: We caught up a little. I think she’s doing better. Feeling happier. And I’m thankful for that. Being a part of my life hasn’t always been pleasant for Chloe, and I know more than anyone the price she’s sometimes paid for our association, but despite a lot of things, I still consider her one of my oldest friends.

ID: Isn’t the expression usually oldest and dearest?

S: I’d prefer not to air this here, but Chloe and I have had tension, and those who know know what I mean, and those who don’t have no reason or right to. I’ve forgiven her for the things she’s done against me, and I hope she’s forgiven me for the times I caused her pain. Our past has left some… trust issues, but I really, truly and honestly, wish her all the happiness in the world.

ID: You do realize that all of this spirited whispering about your checkered dalliances just means next week I’ll come back with harder questions, right?

S: Actually, no, I don’t think it will. There are a handful of people who know about this. My mother, myself, Chloe, Lois

ID: So you and your usual knitting circle

S: and none of them are going to say a word to you about it. Because it’s private. Because, really, it’s between Chloe and me- emotional spillover onto mom and my wife notwithstanding.

ID: Okay, this is beginning to bore me- due to the very g-rated content- the book. How much of it is true, and, more importantly, how long before lifetime (or maybe Playgirl) come out with their own direct to video version?

S: Try as I might, I haven’t been able to get an advanced copy, or even anything as to the specifics of what’s in it. I’m honestly a little disappointed that, at this stage in my life and career, I’m having to deal with it.

ID: That’s fair. But you said you were confident no one you’d been intimate with had spoken to the author. Now I remember you discussing a premarital relationship- that I previously theorized was with Lana Lang but could potentially have been with the aforementioned Ms. Sullivan- so not just the one with your wife that you’ve sort of tacitly acknowledged, but is there any chance you’d be willing to slip me the names, even off the record, so I could do some independent verification.

S: Sometimes you’re no better than a tabloid journalist. To clarify, I don’t mean the near respectability of British tabloid journalism, I mean the scummiest, “Did Anna Nicole Smith gain more weight?” kind of journalism, where they have fuzzy zoomed in pictures with big colorful circles pointing out cellulite.

ID: Hmm. Lot of misdirected anger, there (though my inner child is weeping openly). Did the bad paparazzi man touch you in your spandex-place?

S: Mostly, I think it’s that as a journalist, that kind of reportage disgusts me, and as someone who was raised to treat people with a certain base amount of respect- professional ethics shouldn’t even come into play, because it’s just morally wrong. But you’re right. This book is the culmination, actually, of something that’s been happening more lately- though I’ve been in my share of National Enquirers before. I was prepared for people reacting differently to me, I knew that revealing who I was and that I was dying, that that would affect people in a real way. But I wasn’t prepared for this, for the opportunists with cameras hiding in the bushes outside our apartment, the office, my doctor’s. I’m just trying to hold onto my dignity, at this point. And it’s hard, when there are people that insistent on wresting it away from you.

We’ll be trying to bring you a new section of the interview every Tuesday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.