Cruelty Free

Indigent Diatribe: Given the tenor of last week’s topic, I want to return. With what you said about hunting, are you a vegetarian, and if not, how, given your own sentiments, can you justify it?

Superman: I’m not strictly a vegetarian. I think you’re right, that there is an inherent hypocrisy to it- and it’s no excuse that “everybody” does it. But like most people, there’s a purposeful disconnect, between the living animals and the meat I eat.

ID: You’ve said you’re not even certain you need to eat, so why, when you have obvious ethical concerns, do you continue to eat meat?

S: Because it tastes good; sorry if that sounds glib, but I don’t really have a good reason. Sometimes I crave an angus steak, or a big juicy burger, a pepperoni pizza, or, and just the thought of it makes my mouth water, but some of my mom’s bacon.

ID: But they have vegetarian substitutes for all of those things.

S: Very true, but you know all those subtle imperfections, the little things that keep carnivores from switching to meat-substitutes- well, they’re a thousand times more noticeable with super senses.

ID: So you prefer to go against your own ethical constraints because meat tastes a little better?

S: Let me ask you something: are you a vegetarian?

ID: Nope. Girlfriend is- but I try to tempt her every chance I get (though it usually just makes her nauseous). But if your next question is how can I stand in judgment- I don’t. Personally, I’d be happy to go get a burger from the Ace O Clubs after we finish taping tonight. But I’m not asking the question for me- I’m acting as the proxy for all the vegan hippies out there- just like last week I was standing in for all the NRA faithful who are missing tonight’s installment because they’re home gunsterbating. .

S: Fair enough. But there is an important aspect that tends not to get talked about- one that I think is, while perhaps less important, will probably be the deciding factor in the debate- and that’s the incredible cost of meat. And that’s not just in the price at the supermarket, which consumers already see, but the cost in terms of resources. It takes at least three times as much water to produce a pound of beef as a pound of grains; and it takes at least three pounds of grains to produce a single pound of beef. As the population climbs, and resources become even more limited, I think it’s purely unsustainable to continue eating meat the way we have.

So I try. For reasons related to sustainability and the cost and impact on the environment and economy, for reasons related to the well-being of the animals, I try to abstain as often as possible. Lois has even found a decent vegetarian Chinese restaurant, where they can season their tofu to taste like just about anything- well, close to, anyway.

ID: I assume that if you want to eat the cow, you don’t mind people using the hide for leather, but what about non-food animals, like minks? Do you agree with people who say that fur is murder?

S: I don’t, actually. Fur isn’t murder. Nor is consuming meat. I think both of those go to human health and comfort, which I think is important to place above animal rights (if only just). But hunting is different- and I’m not saying hunting for food, but “sport” hunting. It’s based on the premise that a few moments of human amusement are worth the killing of an animal in an uncontrolled and less-humane way.

ID: Since the interview is running about half as long as I want, let’s beat this horse a little deader: do you and your wife use cruelty-free products?

S: I honestly have no idea- though I usually go pretty light on the products, actually- and Lois, Lois hardly needs any make-up at all- except for lipstick, because nobody’s lips are naturally that color.

ID: So you’re saying your hair does that s-curl thing naturally? I suppose it’s plausible, since judging from Smallville you’ve had excellent hair going back to at least high school.

S: Yeah, I wish I looked like Tom Welling when I was that age- especially that hair. When I was a kid I had- well, it was before we figured out how to tame my hair.

ID: Okay, I’ll bite, how do you tame your hair?

S: Well, I started using heat, because it was easier to find a source of intense heat and some metal wiring- but the best I could ever do was give myself a really horrific perm- which really wouldn’t even completely take, because flying as fast as I do it would get tousled.

And it was actually Bruce, one of the first couple of times we worked together, who figured out how to do something about it. I was complaining about not being able to keep my hair off my face, and a few days later a package arrived at my doorstep. It was an experimental industrial adhesive, quick-drying, and a solvent. There was a note, “for your hair.” And at first I thought, “God, Lex, this is the lamest thing you’ve ever done.” Not only was it a lame set-up, but the goal, ostensibly attempting to make me bald like him, was also lame- but then, and I know this will sound weird but remember that I have heightened senses, but I smelled Bruce in the package, and I realized that it was okay.

ID: Ew. So you’re saying you have an industrial adhesive in your hair right now?

S: Actually, right this second it’s a fruit-based hair gel. But I keep a tube of adhesive with my “suit.” If I’m just walking around town, I don’t need the “designed to keep a fighter plane wing on” hold, but if I’m well, flying several times the speed of a fighter plane, then I do.

ID: Okay, that covers half my ew, but you’re saying that you can smell people.

S: Of course. There’s a layer of hygiene smells, your shampoo, laundry soap, deodorant, toothpaste, then there’s whatever sweat and secretions you’ve produced since your last bathing, and beyond that, everybody has a base smell. In part, it’s because nobody really gets completely clean in a shower, and in part it’s because everything has a smell. So yeah, there was a distinctive collection of odors that was Bruce- it’s not quite snowflake unique, but pretty much everybody I know has a recognizable scent. Of course, there was one time Bruce was testing out a chemical smell camouflage device, and he snuck up behind me smelling exactly like Lois- that was bizarre.

ID: And, given your, well, super crush on Lois, is it safe to assume you found Batman’s presence, uh, arousing?

S: No comment.

ID: Stop looking at me like that. I know, I know, new journalistic low. But that’s the kind of unasked question that would keep me up at night.

S: You do realize the kinds of slash fiction that’s going to inspire, right? Lois likes to read it, just so she can point out the cruder, more compromising passages.

ID: Well, you heard it here, first, folks, Lois Lane reads slash fiction.

S: You really almost make me wish you were the one with cancer.

We’ll be trying to bring you a new section of the interview every Tuesday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.