Cruelty Free

Indigent Diatribe: Given the tenor of last week’s topic, I want to return. With what you said about hunting, are you a vegetarian, and if not, how, given your own sentiments, can you justify it?

Superman: I’m not strictly a vegetarian. I think you’re right, that there is an inherent hypocrisy to it- and it’s no excuse that “everybody” does it. But like most people, there’s a purposeful disconnect, between the living animals and the meat I eat.

ID: You’ve said you’re not even certain you need to eat, so why, when you have obvious ethical concerns, do you continue to eat meat?

S: Because it tastes good; sorry if that sounds glib, but I don’t really have a good reason. Sometimes I crave an angus steak, or a big juicy burger, a pepperoni pizza, or, and just the thought of it makes my mouth water, but some of my mom’s bacon.

ID: But they have vegetarian substitutes for all of those things.

S: Very true, but you know all those subtle imperfections, the little things that keep carnivores from switching to meat-substitutes- well, they’re a thousand times more noticeable with super senses.

ID: So you prefer to go against your own ethical constraints because meat tastes a little better?

S: Let me ask you something: are you a vegetarian?

ID: Nope. Girlfriend is- but I try to tempt her every chance I get (though it usually just makes her nauseous). But if your next question is how can I stand in judgment- I don’t. Personally, I’d be happy to go get a burger from the Ace O Clubs after we finish taping tonight. But I’m not asking the question for me- I’m acting as the proxy for all the vegan hippies out there- just like last week I was standing in for all the NRA faithful who are missing tonight’s installment because they’re home gunsterbating. .

S: Fair enough. But there is an important aspect that tends not to get talked about- one that I think is, while perhaps less important, will probably be the deciding factor in the debate- and that’s the incredible cost of meat. And that’s not just in the price at the supermarket, which consumers already see, but the cost in terms of resources. It takes at least three times as much water to produce a pound of beef as a pound of grains; and it takes at least three pounds of grains to produce a single pound of beef. As the population climbs, and resources become even more limited, I think it’s purely unsustainable to continue eating meat the way we have.

So I try. For reasons related to sustainability and the cost and impact on the environment and economy, for reasons related to the well-being of the animals, I try to abstain as often as possible. Lois has even found a decent vegetarian Chinese restaurant, where they can season their tofu to taste like just about anything- well, close to, anyway.

ID: I assume that if you want to eat the cow, you don’t mind people using the hide for leather, but what about non-food animals, like minks? Do you agree with people who say that fur is murder?

S: I don’t, actually. Fur isn’t murder. Nor is consuming meat. I think both of those go to human health and comfort, which I think is important to place above animal rights (if only just). But hunting is different- and I’m not saying hunting for food, but “sport” hunting. It’s based on the premise that a few moments of human amusement are worth the killing of an animal in an uncontrolled and less-humane way.

ID: Since the interview is running about half as long as I want, let’s beat this horse a little deader: do you and your wife use cruelty-free products?

S: I honestly have no idea- though I usually go pretty light on the products, actually- and Lois, Lois hardly needs any make-up at all- except for lipstick, because nobody’s lips are naturally that color.

ID: So you’re saying your hair does that s-curl thing naturally? I suppose it’s plausible, since judging from Smallville you’ve had excellent hair going back to at least high school.

S: Yeah, I wish I looked like Tom Welling when I was that age- especially that hair. When I was a kid I had- well, it was before we figured out how to tame my hair.

ID: Okay, I’ll bite, how do you tame your hair?

S: Well, I started using heat, because it was easier to find a source of intense heat and some metal wiring- but the best I could ever do was give myself a really horrific perm- which really wouldn’t even completely take, because flying as fast as I do it would get tousled.

And it was actually Bruce, one of the first couple of times we worked together, who figured out how to do something about it. I was complaining about not being able to keep my hair off my face, and a few days later a package arrived at my doorstep. It was an experimental industrial adhesive, quick-drying, and a solvent. There was a note, “for your hair.” And at first I thought, “God, Lex, this is the lamest thing you’ve ever done.” Not only was it a lame set-up, but the goal, ostensibly attempting to make me bald like him, was also lame- but then, and I know this will sound weird but remember that I have heightened senses, but I smelled Bruce in the package, and I realized that it was okay.

ID: Ew. So you’re saying you have an industrial adhesive in your hair right now?

S: Actually, right this second it’s a fruit-based hair gel. But I keep a tube of adhesive with my “suit.” If I’m just walking around town, I don’t need the “designed to keep a fighter plane wing on” hold, but if I’m well, flying several times the speed of a fighter plane, then I do.

ID: Okay, that covers half my ew, but you’re saying that you can smell people.

S: Of course. There’s a layer of hygiene smells, your shampoo, laundry soap, deodorant, toothpaste, then there’s whatever sweat and secretions you’ve produced since your last bathing, and beyond that, everybody has a base smell. In part, it’s because nobody really gets completely clean in a shower, and in part it’s because everything has a smell. So yeah, there was a distinctive collection of odors that was Bruce- it’s not quite snowflake unique, but pretty much everybody I know has a recognizable scent. Of course, there was one time Bruce was testing out a chemical smell camouflage device, and he snuck up behind me smelling exactly like Lois- that was bizarre.

ID: And, given your, well, super crush on Lois, is it safe to assume you found Batman’s presence, uh, arousing?

S: No comment.

ID: Stop looking at me like that. I know, I know, new journalistic low. But that’s the kind of unasked question that would keep me up at night.

S: You do realize the kinds of slash fiction that’s going to inspire, right? Lois likes to read it, just so she can point out the cruder, more compromising passages.

ID: Well, you heard it here, first, folks, Lois Lane reads slash fiction.

S: You really almost make me wish you were the one with cancer.

We’ll be trying to bring you a new section of the interview every Tuesday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.

Mom

Inedible Delicacies: I'd like to spend today talking about your mother. First off, what did you do for Mother's Day?

Superman: I took my mom to breakfast; she insisted we go to IHOP.

ID: IHOP's not so bad. Why insisted?

S: Well, it was mother's day, so the place was packed. There was actually a line trailing outside. I told her I could fly us to the west coast, where it was earlier and we could probably get a seat, but she said, “That would be undignified,” and gave me a motherly smile. We ended up waiting an hour, and by the time we were seated I was famished.

ID: I didn't know you needed food.

S: I'm honestly not sure that I do, but the body gets used to things. Like sleep. I've never really tried to see how long I could function without sleep, but I start to feel psychosomatically tired after sixteen hours. But I was hungry, so I ordered a big country breakfast, a giant mocha, and two plates of appetizers. The appetizers came pretty quickly, and we hadn't finished them by the time the main course arrived. I forgot how much I love IHOP- they had some delicious strawberry pancakes.

ID: Ahem.

S: Sorry. Yeah. Not to advertise or anything. But food is one of the things I get really passionate about; humans enjoy their food, but I can taste every subtle flavor, every dash of pepper or oregano.

ID: Okay, but on the subject of your mother...

S: We talked. And I guess maybe part of the reason why I'm sort of steering clear of our actual conversation is we discussed some of the family's skeletons. It's weird to me the things that bring out candor in my mother- a crowded IHOP being one of the least predictable. And once we'd finished eating, we went to, first Target, and then, when she realized she needed something else, to a Walmart. It seemed like a very odd way to spend a day, but it was one of the first times I've just spent a day with my mother in what seems like forever. Oh, and that thing she needed, was chicken poop- which, I'm not dialed in enough to poop humor to have found it funny the first time, but we made an entire round of Target, with her asking every person in a red shirt she passed if they could point her at the chicken poop, and by the end I was giggling every time- and of course, once we'd made it to their gardening section we were politely told they don't carry chicken poop, which led us to the Walmart. And yet another round of watching my mother wander through a store asking people for chicken poop and getting odd stares.

ID: I can't help but feel that that story was tailor-made for me. Thanks.

S: You're welcome.

ID: I'm going to take a flying leap and guess that you love your mother. What I want you to tell me is why.

S: Okay. I think I can accomplish that with a story. Dad was always the farmer, and while mom was really good at being a wife and mother, she had a bit more ambition than that. And I remember there was a summer when I was just starting high school that they weren't sleeping in the same room. Mom wanted to start up a business, a store; she told him that nobody ever got comfortable farming anymore, that entrepreneurship was the way America was going to feed itself into the future. My dad was reluctant to start up a business- and at the time, he had a point, since statistically speaking keeping the farm going was difficult, but the odds of a new business failing were much, much greater. But one night they had a real loud argument- not that there was ever an argument they had where I couldn't hear even the whispered obscenities through the walls- but mom really laid it out. I think she'd been practicing, perfecting her sales pitch, because she was very professional, and confident, and I found myself really getting invested in her idea. But what finally I think won dad over, and I say this because his heart rhythm changed, is when she told him that if it was going to be ever, it had to be now. See, mom wanted me to go to college, and she knew that if she waited even another year, that even with an overly optimistic model, she wouldn't have rebounded the money they invested. She wanted to help pay for my education, not hurt our chances of paying for it. And, you know, once she'd put it that way, once she'd laid all of her reasoning and preparation out like that, of course he said yes.

ID: So I imagine that led to their, um, reconciliation.

S: Yeah- and I went for a run. There are some things no teenager should have to hear his parents getting up to.

ID: Sounds like you were a bright kid.

S: I was raised well. Dad was a good father, taught me how to be a man, and what working meant, what spending every hour you could providing for your family, and not just monetarily, but providing safety and comfort, respect and affection, he really prepared me to be a man. But my mom taught me so much more. Before I even started school she worked with me and my colors, numbers, my alphabet- worked with me even though my first words were in Kryptonian. She helped me with my reading, my multiplication tables, world geography. Every step of the way, mom was there. And when school asked for volunteers, whether it was for class field trips or because the teachers needed help organizing something, she was always the first to call the teacher or send a note. She always took an active role, in not just my school, not just my education, but in our community. She really prepared me to be a citizen, to be human. I think the combination is what made me the person I am today- and I love the person I am today, so I'm eternally, eternally thankful to the both of them for that.

ID: Your mother, she sounds like she was really at home in education. Why do you think she never became a teacher?

S: I think in a different world she would have been. But in this one, she was the wife of a farmer, and that's a pretty full-time gig, especially when they were both young, she really did a lot of the physical work around the farm. As they got older, and couldn't do as much themselves, they ended up hiring on more hands, and maybe then she'd have been able to go back to school, only she still had dad to take care of, and soon enough me to raise. And I think she prioritized. I think she'd have loved to have been a teacher; I think there was a part of her that felt she was a bad woman for not being more independent, not making decisions like that for herself to go back to school or to get a teaching certificate, but she chose her family over herself. I think the fact that that was what she chose makes it a very feminist decision, and because of the sacrifices involved a very admirable one.

And I want to clarify something you said earlier. I don't just love my mother, but I'm very proud to have had her as my mother. I think she still has a lot of greatness left in her, and I know she'll continue to make me proud.

We’ll be trying to bring you a new section of the interview every Monday. Some of the questions have already been prepared by the interviewer, but to ask Superman a question, leave a comment or send an email to DeathofSuperman@gmail.com.